How to say goodbye
Last spring, in the dead of the night I feel my phone buzz. I fumble for it, squint my eyes, and find a text from my mom, "孩子們,爺爺在 17:45 往生了。" Shortly after, my dad sends a text telling us grandpa left peacefully, for us not to be sad, and that grandpa wanted to to leave us with no worry.
It was sudden.
爺爺 was always incredibly healthy. He was the definition of clockwork, waking naturally at 4am each day to go exercise at the park. Then he would go again after lunch and again after dinner. His moments of spontaneity were all the more delightful and playful amidst that routine. As a kid I would accompany him to the park, and remember ever so often he would suddenly propose that we get little 雞蛋糕 cakes on our way home. After days of eating his routine oranges for dessert he would decide, today is cake day, and bring home a chiffon sponge. My dad shared stories of how 爺爺 once invested in two geese.
Yes, 爺爺 had been showing signs of dementia in recent years. He would forget how old I was and ask what I wanted to do after I finished college. But he still sported a luscious head of sweeping silver hair, combed, gelled, and swept to one side in the same rakish way he had worn his hair since as early as I could remember. Just a week ago my dad had sent us a photo of grandpa using one of those self-resistance exercise machines at the park. One of the two phrases of English he knew and liked to say was, "Come on let's go!" An energetic call to move forward to new adventures.
So his passing was sudden and unexpected.
That fateful spring night, I am stunned. My brain doesn't compute. I lie there, paralyzed in bed. After a few hours I get up, flip through old photos of 爺爺。 What is there for me to do? I want to talk to 爺爺,to hear his voice, to have him ask me the same old questions. I want to tell 爺爺 again, "齊齊想你,齊齊想回台灣看你。" But I can’t anymore. There's nothing for me to do, nothing I can do.
So, I kneel, dip my head in prostration, and lament. I offer to the stillness and emptiness of the pre-dawn hours, "齊齊想你,齊齊想回台灣看你。"